i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
