You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
