I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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