tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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