I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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