I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
