i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
