Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
