Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
