Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
