Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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