I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
