Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
