I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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