I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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