somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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