I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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