I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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