I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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