A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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