i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize