I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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