I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
