apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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