Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
