Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
