i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
