i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
