We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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