smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
