Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Randomize
