just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
