Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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