I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
