I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
