I faked an abortion last night.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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