i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
