I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
