I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
