The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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