The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
