upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
