I wish my penis had an off switch
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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