So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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