I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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