Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
