took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
