My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
