make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
