gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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