Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
