just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
