Just cropdusted the office
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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