Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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