dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
