oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
