nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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