I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize